All through scripture you see believers partnering with one another to accomplish the will of the Father. In Exodus 12, a weary Moses needed help holding his hands up in order for the Israelites to win the battle. Aaron and Hur held up his hands on either side and eventually set up a rock so they could stay with him to help his hands remain raised to ensure the Israelites’ victory. We as the body of Christ are uniquely created for community and to support one another, through the good and the bad. So when tragedy strikes….what are you supposed to do? What do you say?? Here are a few tips from our family since this is still so fresh from all our peeps who have blessed us so much this summer….
Food is always a WIN
Before this summer I was underestimated how important the meals we always have fixed friends really were for them. I thought it was really more of a cop out. “I don’t know what to do so I’m just going to cook for them…” kind of thing. But after this summer I fully understand how vital it has been to know we were going to get to eat on a daily basis. When you are in the middle of the storm…..you can’t make decisions like what to cook for dinner. You can barely eat dinner at all. So meals are a huge deal. And anything and everything is amazing. We had friends bring us breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, gift cards, home made, take out, and everything in between and you know what??? It ALL helped us….more than you can imagine. So if you’re not as much a talker and are more a doer, then this is a slam dunk for you. Even if you are a talker, then the food is a perfect way into the house to be able to connect with your friends.
If they have kids, offer to keep them (if you’re able), or bring something for them
Our kids have been so richly cared for during this season in our lives that we have marveled at how much our closest friends have stepped up to look after our littles. The first 2-3 days after we lost Evans was such a blur that I was so thankful to have help with them because just the thought of bed time routines would almost send me into a panic attack. And the one morning we had Ellie with us was not a good scene. Being able to be confident in knowing our kids were taken care of took a HUGE load off of us both. If you are not in a position to keep the kids for your friends, then bring something especially for the kids. It’s very easy in a grief situation for the kids to get pushed to the side and almost forgotten about since the parents have so much processing to do themselves and with all the running around and funeral prep and on and on, they can feel left out or abandoned. You bringing them a cheap 99 cent gift or an activity bag is golden. When we left to go on our road trip to Utah, some of our friends created activity bags for Ellie and Harper each to take on the trip….that was incredible.
Just be there…
Just your presence is a huge deal, even if you don’t say or do anything. Now, not everyone can “be over there” at a time of course so alot of times this is more reserved for inner circle friends and family. Rule of thumb really in this situation….unless they say they don’t want you around, then they need the company. Now how much interaction totally depends on the personality. For me, I want a big group all. the. time. I like it loud, I like a party, and I don’t care when or where. Cindy on the other hand is my opposite and will not grieve around just anyone and doesn’t like a lot of people or alot of noise unless she asks for it….so for someone like Cindy then you ask what level of “togetherness” she needs and supply that for her. But she also won’t tell you, so you are going to have to pray for wisdom on this and figure out what is best in your situation.
Say less than you think you should….just to be safe.
The old addage, “It’s the thought that counts” does NOT apply to situations of tragedy and grief. You have to pray through what all you want to say to the family dealing with their grief. The ones that made me feel the best were the simple, “I’m so sorry, love you guys and we’re praying every day.” They would follow up with a hug and that was that. Unless you are the closest of closest friends (and even then it is thin ice), don’t try and theorize or philosophize about the situation. If the person involved engages you more in the topic and wants to process with you…..then by all means, engage them. But if they don’t invite you into their heart, don’t go knocking at the door.
Old school “Thinking of You” cards are amazing![jbandh]()
We have a memories box for Evans that we keep every single card anyone wrote to us after we lost our little man. We re-read them quite alot. It helps to be able to go back through them to remind ourselves we are not alone and that there are people loving on us and praying for us. Plus, writing one out feels so much more personal since you had to go through the act of writing it out.
Gifts are really nice
We received everything from necklaces for Cindy with Evans engraved on them to gift cards to journals, to hope chests, and everything in between. And they all meant a lot to us. The fact that people were thinking about us and cared so much they were spending money getting things engraved blew my mind. Ones that were super special to me where custom made play lists on Itunes and boxes full of random fun stuff that was themed. Those were so great. It’s not about the money spent on the gift….it could be pennies. It’s the thoughtfullness. That you would “know us” well enough to gift us with something we will need is pretty fantastic.
Help with daily tasks
We were so blessed when some of our friends unpacked our moving truck and set up our kitchen and bedroom so that when we came back into town, we could practically move right in! Never underestimate how much a help little things are. My father-in-law just came over and started working on our yard for me, friends took packages to the mailbox, went grocery shopping, ran errands for us, and lots of other very useful tasks that we needed help with. In the middle of tragedy, you aren’t thinking clearly enough to get most 
of those things done.
Never stop praying, Never stop remembering.
One of our greatest fears is that everyone will forget Evans and forget this ever happened. That all this pain will have been for nothing. After the memorial for him it was one of our hardest weeks because for everyone else, life goes on and goes back to “normal.” But for our family, there is a completely new “normal” and it will never be the same again. So remembering due dates, birthdates, common interests, funny stories about the person, etc. means more to the person or people dealing with their grief than you would think.
I can’t tell you how many people have said things to me like “You guys are so inspiring!” or “I’m just blown away at your strength” since we lost our son. You want to know the truth? We’re none of those things. Our Father is so faithful to meet us where we are to “heal up our broken hearts” and to restore us and lift us up. But we have one of the most amazing communities of believers pouring into us that I have ever seen. Just like Moses in Exodus…our friends have been holding up our arms and helping us walk each step. We can never thank all of you enough for all you have done for our little family. My God is so faithful and so good, and WE WILL TRUST HIM NO MATTER WHAT.
JB