When we said, “Goodbye for now” to Evans, we chose to call his funeral and burial a ‘Planting’. In changing the name of what so many call this event, we were not only bringing light and comfort to the darkest of situations and seasons, but we were claiming Romans 4:17 over our situation, and believing the Lord to bring a great harvest out of Evans’ short life. Oh how supported and held we were (and still are) through Evans’ home-going! Some of my dearest and longest friends came together and created a ‘leaf’ necklace for me with Evans’ name inscribed on the back. This piece is so dear to me that I feel naked without it. It’s a constant reminder of the legacy we carry for our boy, since we are unable to physically carry him here. Evans has me constantly thinking about how thankful I am for each breath and the things that breath allows, he has me looking for what the now means in light of eternity. Of course the Lord has used his life to paint a new perspective and outlook for us; part of that is wanting to squeeze every second out of the days that we have with each other and our kiddos. Any mom who has endured pregnancy with anticipation over the baby to come- and all the precious moments that brings- can imagine a bit of the heartache over longing to hold your child and although enduring months of pregnancy and birth never getting the full reward from that. This whole experience has been too weird; and, somedays many days I have to have Jim Bob remind me that this is reality and not just an awful nightmare. We were pregnant and Evans was here. So much of life has resumed how it was before we were a family of 5… It’s so strange to be a family of 5, functioning most days as a family of 4. Something I question daily is the purpose in Evans short life. Every mom wants their child’s life to change the world for the better, to leave a mark. But, more than anything I want his short life here to change eternity. I love that moms and dads tell us how much Evans has made them appreciate life, but you know what? I’d trade that any day- for them to not appreciate it- and me to be holding my boy. Selfish, I know, but I’d give a whole lot to have my boy here with us.
In praying and seeking the purpose, how and what fruit would come from our boy’s planting, the Lord has been working in some miraculous ways all around us. Like most legacies, it’s hard to place a definite beginning on the story this one is turning into. Therefore, I’ll start from the beginning that sticks out to me. When I met Jim Bob, in true Jim Bob fashion, he told me so many crazy things about himself that I honestly thought he was stringing me along as a joke. Things like the fact that his name really was ‘Jim Bob’, that he was born on Christmas Day, and that he was adopted. When I finally realized he was being truthful, and the more I got to know him, the more incredible his story became to me. See, adoption was nothing abnormal for me. I’d grown up around plenty of friends, really close friends, who were adopted and who had adopted. However, Jim Bob’s story stuck out to me as one of such miraculous proportions. Why? Well, several reasons: His biological mom had intended to end her pregnancy with him, but was convinced not to. His adoptive parents chose to give him this gift, and his life has turned out very blessed and successful. What more could you want from an adoption story than a child who loves and appreciates both sets of his parents, is very social and well educated and goes on to have a family of his own?!? As we dated and later married, a conversation that always came up was about how in awe I was that he really didn’t worry about meeting his biological parents. Yes, from time to time he’d have curiosities about them, but he views his adoptive parents as his one family and he’s perfectly satisfied with only ever knowing one set of parents. As I watched him grow more and more successful and later became a mom myself, I always wanted to find his biological parents just to thank them at the life they chose to give us. The sacrifice of choosing to hand your child over to a better life simply leaves me in complete awe every time I think of it. There is no greater gift a parent can give a child.
All of that being said, you would think that adoption would have been a plan for our family from the beginning too. However, I would always say when the subject came up, “I’d be open to it, the Lord would just have to pretty much audibly tell us that we are to adopt.” In saying this, especially after we had no issues having our own biological children and in watching what others went through to adopt- things that cost a lot scare me, and paperwork scares me even more- I was always thankful that I could donate to the cause but that I wasn’t (and wouldn’t ever be) being called to adopt and raise a child. Besides all the petty stuff like paper and expenses, adoption scared me. I had seen the horror stories too, and somehow painted a picture in my mind that biological horror stories don’t happen, only adoptive ones. Ha! Oh my control issues…
Never mind the fact that I would describe myself as a bratty and spoiled first and second time mom. Children were definitely people that I tried to fit into my life, and not people I initially gave the value and priority that they deserved. I missed my sleep, I was comfortable in my very selfish ways, I still believed I could do it all, I missed going into work (not being at work 24/7 and then some), I hated nursing and on and on and on. Not someone you would look at and think, “They need more kids, what a fantastic mom! Made to be a mom, that one!” Well, you might because I put on a decent facade, but if you had seen what went on in my head and my home on a daily basis, you wouldn’t have. Trust me.
Evans life changed all that. Before Evans though, Jesus changed Jim Bob and I drastically. That selfishness almost lost us our marriage. The Lord- and nothing else- saved us. But, before He could save us, He had to change us. When He saves and redeems, the picture you paint of that isn’t Evans. Well, it wasn’t for me. Save and redeem me and my situation to walk me through death again? Death of my marriage to revive it for the death of a child? Well, He can and He does and sometimes it does look like this on the other side. Because you know what? Death and pain, they aren’t the absence of Him and His peace and they don’t take Him out of our story. We planted ashes believing that He’ll bring beauty out of them. And, no, the beauty may not look like anything I’d ever expect. Because see, on January 4th, something that had been ‘scratching’ at me that I wanted to ignore blew up. It blew up on my computer screen before my eyes- which were, along with my heart- bursting with tears at what I read and felt. Seeds were bursting forth into fruit from the ashes we planted…
A high school friend of mine, whom I hadn’t talked to in years but whom I kept in touch with through our parents still being at the same church and through reading her blog, was blogging her family’s journey. Oh how her blog tugged at my heart, and I waited each day with anticipation for the next news and pictures. Meanwhile, in an entirely different state, a fellow Missionary Kid and friend from junior high was also blogging his family’s story. As I read through these in total disbelief, I felt exactly how I had 3 times before with Harper, Ellington and Evans when I’d seen their pregnancy test turn positive and kept the news to myself for hours on Harper and days on the other two until I could make the perfect announcement to surprise Jim Bob. Much like Mary is described, I ‘pondered these things in my heart’. I’d find myself daydreaming of telling our kids that we were going to have sibling, of what days and days of filling out papers would look like, of how work had so much more meaning now because it’d help us afford our baby, of flying overseas with anticipation like no other time, of a sweet baby waiting to meet his/her forever family, of what in the world Jim Bob’s reaction would be to my new crazy idea, of buying stuff for a new baby, of telling our parents… On and on and on my mind raced… But, what if Jim Bob laughed me off and said, “Absolutely not!”?! Fear would creep into my crazy, pretty, exciting sea of ideas every now and then. I had never understood when adoptive parents had talked about waiting on their babies feeling much like pregnancy. But, now I did. I knew the minute the Lord told me that we were to do this that there was a baby waiting on us.
Two days later, on Wednesday night 1/7, JimBob and I laid down to go to sleep. He was absolutely exhausted, so what better time to spring the idea of us having a new baby on him?! As I asked him what he thought about what I felt the Lord was calling us to, I could feel him grin in the dark. He chuckled after I got all the words out. “What?” I asked about his little giggle, half nervous he was laughing me off just as I had feared. His answer? Another really big, long laugh. “I knew it! I knew this is what we’d do, I have always wanted to do this. We’ve always been called to this. I just knew you’d have to come around!” Then he hugged me and we both grinned. It felt like some of my joy was returning after Evans’ birth, life and hope were coming back!
Evans’ life opened my heart up. Along with much weeping and sorrow and more pain than I ever knew was possible, there has been immeasurable joy and appreciation. The mom who felt her heart and daily schedule barely had room for anyone and who missed out on so much through just barely surviving the daily blur now understands more the true gift that each second is and I’m working to stop the blur of life running by me. Each day has meaning, even if you don’t see the weight of the moment and its impact on eternity on this side of heaven. See the picture up top? When our marriage wasn’t really even hanging on by a thread, a mentor advised me to ‘take pictures because next year you’ll look back and those moments will feel a lot different and mean something else than they do now’. She was right! Much like that, the picture up top, I thought it was sweet but had no idea what it’d mean all these years later. Jim Bob is standing at our wedding with his adoption case worker, Mrs. Shots. A picture that meant something in 2003 now means a whole lot more in 2015…
We know there’s much more fruit to come from a life that was short here but carried a purpose and legacy that is changing eternity, and we covet your prayers over the next months and years as we continue to walk this out.
We are knee deep in paperwork as we pray and plan and work to bring home the Haggerton baby that is waiting in China!!! Excited to make this family of 6 in our heart 5 in our home…
Cindy